Undergrad life - Part IV

It is now September 2010. I go back for my second year at Michener.

But now I'm less interested. I'm more anxious. I gain more weight. I attend less lectures. I somehow scrape by in the fall semester. My overall average at school is still fine. The classes that I need to pass with a 70%, I pass. I do attend a few meetings with the program coordinator, I'm forced to meet with a prof or two to talk about my progress.

In my first year at Michener I had a meeting with a prof once. He told me that if I don't learn the content of his course "someone could die." Hmmmm, nothing like the threat of accidentally killing someone looming over your head while you learn more radiation physics. Ever since that meeting, the prospect of meeting with professors at this school does not make me happy. Some of the professors at Michener are great. Some I would rather not see ever again. Same as everywhere I guess!

My boyfriend and I get a puppy during the fall semester and this is a useful distraction. The puppy is a reason to go home instead of stay at school and study. Hey - puppies need walks right?

In January I try to start new. I set myself up. I am ready to go. I am gonna attend classes every day. But I don't. And I fall behind a bit and people notice that I'm not there. That's the thing about a class of 50.

I attend a makeup methodology lab session or test. I'm not sure what it was now. All I remember is that I was talking to the prof and I cried and I didn't end up doing any lab that day.

I started seeing the counsellor available at the school. When we were doing an exercise recalling a situation in which I was anxious I had a full blown panic moment, the whole thing came rushing right back. And it was the worst feeling. Mostly I just find that I like to think out loud when I am seeing a counsellor. I want them to listen to all the things that are going on in my head. I could get the same benefit with pen and paper.

It feels rather hopeless. At this point I am pretty sure that I don't want to be a Radiation Therapist. I book a meeting with the program chair. She tells me that the job market is not great in Toronto. She tells me that I'll only be frustrated if its not what I want. And she tells me they will let me drop the courses I'm in currently with no academic penalty. It is March 2011.

My brain immediately flashes to new possibilities. Midwifery. I really long to go back and not be scared of the challenge. I want to apply to Midwifery. Of course the deadline to apply has passed. Midwifery for Sept 2011 is out of the question.

I officially withdraw from Michener on the 27th of March. It's over.

I apply for readmission to Ryerson. I figure I might as well work on completing my degree. And so my plans for September 2011 are set. Back to Ryerson. And it feels better.