Living

I often change my mind about where and how I want to live in my life. Or future life.

So once again, I wander.

This last month I have been thinking a small hobby farm somewhere in Ontario would be lovely. Being a city girl, it seems kind of charming to think of living in the country with outdoor space of my own.

I would like a barn. And lots of dogs. I would like a farm house kitchen.

Etsy has lots of lovely and cool furniture that I want. Mostly tables. I think I may NEED these things at some point..

Like this farmhouse kitchen table:  Found here

and this cool gear table:

A girl can dream right? Happy December!

What have I learned?

So, after years of undergraduate study with no successful completion of a degree, what have I learned?

• Do not live with regret
• Remember that nearly every experience will teach you something
• Don't let fear guide you
• Money should not make decisions for you
• Live in the now
• TRY.

It is hard to justify the time I've spent in school. But at the end of the day none of what I've done has been a waste of time. It is not, by any means, the ideal path. Other people may look at this and have no idea how I could possibly be O.K with how things panned out.

But I'm good with it. It's been a good time all things considered. And I've grown up. At least a little bit.

Undergrad life - Part V

Back at Ryerson I can breathe a little easier. I still have some issues with anxiety.

Mostly the issue is that I have developed some bad habits. I feel as though I don't really need to attend class. Which - I mean, you don't NEED to attend class. If you study from lecture notes and textbooks you can always learn what you need to learn. But it is a lot more work.

I also don't like to study. I don't put much effort in at all. The Fall semester I get mostly B's. I take mostly psych courses. I attend about 5% of my classes. Oops. I'm still working during this time of course. Helping manage the coffee place. 20 hours a week or so, I'm ordering inventory and scheduling staff.......coffee making.

I think about Midwifery. But at this point I can finish this degree with one more year. It seems like the right thing to do. 

In the winter semester things do not go well. A family crisis takes me away from school for a while. And when I get back, I just don't care. I see a counsellor again. I try to work things to my advantage. I write midterms that I missed. I hand in late work for marks. I have 4 wonderful professors that are helpful and amazing. I have one that makes it difficult and tells me there is no way I can pass her course. But I do. And I pass all of the courses that I am enrolled in. Thank goodness.

I apply for transfer credits to see if any of my work at Michener can be used at Ryerson. They grant me 5 transfer credits.

I take a summer course. Stats. I experiment with attending class more often. And I hardly have to study at all and the course is over and it is time for a new semester again.

September 2012. I quit my job at this point. Mostly because I had been there for so long. But also there had been changes to the management in the last year that were not amazing. This is stressful and relieving at the same time. I figure with no job and just school to focus on things should be fine.

But I fall back into old habits. I have hardly attended lecture. My lab reports leave something to be desired. Studying seems like the worst of chores. I am not interested. Cell Biology - no thanks. Mechanics - no thanks. I'm not sure how to get through this year. The last year of this pain in the ass undergraduate degree.

But I have a good feeling too. After the years of wandering my way through life and school, I have a plan. A goal. A dream. One that is truly mine. No matter what this is the year that I finally have the go ahead from my crazy brain to apply to Midwifery.

I could not be more excited, more nervous and more sure about something.

Undergrad life - Part IV

It is now September 2010. I go back for my second year at Michener.

But now I'm less interested. I'm more anxious. I gain more weight. I attend less lectures. I somehow scrape by in the fall semester. My overall average at school is still fine. The classes that I need to pass with a 70%, I pass. I do attend a few meetings with the program coordinator, I'm forced to meet with a prof or two to talk about my progress.

In my first year at Michener I had a meeting with a prof once. He told me that if I don't learn the content of his course "someone could die." Hmmmm, nothing like the threat of accidentally killing someone looming over your head while you learn more radiation physics. Ever since that meeting, the prospect of meeting with professors at this school does not make me happy. Some of the professors at Michener are great. Some I would rather not see ever again. Same as everywhere I guess!

My boyfriend and I get a puppy during the fall semester and this is a useful distraction. The puppy is a reason to go home instead of stay at school and study. Hey - puppies need walks right?

In January I try to start new. I set myself up. I am ready to go. I am gonna attend classes every day. But I don't. And I fall behind a bit and people notice that I'm not there. That's the thing about a class of 50.

I attend a makeup methodology lab session or test. I'm not sure what it was now. All I remember is that I was talking to the prof and I cried and I didn't end up doing any lab that day.

I started seeing the counsellor available at the school. When we were doing an exercise recalling a situation in which I was anxious I had a full blown panic moment, the whole thing came rushing right back. And it was the worst feeling. Mostly I just find that I like to think out loud when I am seeing a counsellor. I want them to listen to all the things that are going on in my head. I could get the same benefit with pen and paper.

It feels rather hopeless. At this point I am pretty sure that I don't want to be a Radiation Therapist. I book a meeting with the program chair. She tells me that the job market is not great in Toronto. She tells me that I'll only be frustrated if its not what I want. And she tells me they will let me drop the courses I'm in currently with no academic penalty. It is March 2011.

My brain immediately flashes to new possibilities. Midwifery. I really long to go back and not be scared of the challenge. I want to apply to Midwifery. Of course the deadline to apply has passed. Midwifery for Sept 2011 is out of the question.

I officially withdraw from Michener on the 27th of March. It's over.

I apply for readmission to Ryerson. I figure I might as well work on completing my degree. And so my plans for September 2011 are set. Back to Ryerson. And it feels better.

Undergrad life - Part III

So in May of 2009 I am accepted into the Radiation Therapy Program at the Michener Institute.
I also am accepted to the nursing program at Ryerson.

By now, as you can see, I am very experienced in the school application process. This will make me a pretty good person to ask advice when thinking of switching programs, how to get transcripts and timelines. I kind of like this.

In public I make the decision to go to Michener.
In private I 'um' and 'ah' and can't make up my mind. It becomes a done deal when the deadline to respond to my nursing offer comes and goes. Michener it is.

So I'm on vacation at the end of August 2009, an annual occurrence, and I miss the mandatory orientation session for my program. Which is O.K, but like any system that is set up like highschool - groups and cliques form early. And friends are made while I'm away.

I start the program. It is definitely interesting. I take courses in anatomy, oncology, radiation physics, radiation biology and patient care. I participate in way more presentations than I would like to. And I have practical exams, doing things when someone is watching and judging. Well, videotaping and then judging. These are awful. But I get through them. This was a program that definitely forced me outside of my comfort zone.

I don't really feel as though I fit into the program. I don't talk to many of the people at school. I'm quiet to begin with, and I have a life outside of school that feeds my social needs. Boyfriend, friends, work, family.

The elevator at school was slow and packed and awful all the time.

I managed to do mostly fine in my first year. Some great marks, a few not so great. The only good thing about these kind of schools is supplemental exams. I had to do one of those. I passed. All was well.

In the summer after the first year there is a clinical placement for two months. I was placed at Sunnybrook Hospital in the Odette Cancer Centre. I remember having to wake up atrociously early to get there. 5:00am is an uncivilized waking hour. Clinical includes time working in treatment planning, working on radiation units treating patients, spending some time with physicians, seeing some minor surgeries, attending rounds. 

Everyone who has done a clinical placement for any medical or healthcare related program will know that they are a challenge, even for the super smart people. They demand a lot. If you aren't matched with someone who suits your learning style, it can be downright awful. I had some major anxiety. Anxiety at levels I never thought I would experience.

I hated clinical. It was fine to interact with patients, that part was easy. But some of the Radiation Therapists I encountered were not so good. It is a requirement of Radiation Therapists to be willing and able to teach students in a clinical environment. I found that most were unwilling. And some completely useless. (Some, of course, were amazing!)

This is something medical programs need to address in general. As most healthcare professionals are required at some point to help teach and mentor new students I feel it is necessary for them to be taught how to teach. Ya know?

I had a meeting at one point with one of my rather friendly clinical coordinators at Sunnybrook (see - the one who is taught how to teach!) She could see I was unhappy. She mentioned that the program may not be the right fit for me. I cried. I thought for sure I could do this. And I wanted to do it. Right? I thought about Midwifery.

I passed the clinical semester and had a lovely two months off from school.

And then....?

Undergrad life - Part II

So, it is now 2007. I am 22. I live in Toronto. I work at a coffee shop.

I start to apply to schools. My goal - get into Ryerson. My marks at Brock were terrible. I couldn't transfer any credits. I would be starting from scratch.

I get accepted to Ryerson for their Bachelor of Science in Biology program starting in September of 2007. Back on track working towards an undergraduate degree.

I have bigger plans though. I don't just want a run of the mill Bachelor of Science. I want to work towards something specific.

I have decided I am going to apply to the Michener Institute. I will apply to Radiological Technology in their Medical Radiation Science program. To be considered, it requires one year of undergraduate study, decent marks and an interview. About 50 spots per year are up for grabs. At the end of this 3 year program you get a degree in Medical Radiation Sciences from the University of Toronto and you receive a diploma in Radiological Technology. I figure a job will certainly follow that degree.

I work hard at Ryerson and my marks are great. I get A's. I make the deans list.

I think about Midwifery. I don't tell many people. 

My application to Michener is successful enough to grant me an interview. I go.
I do not get in.

This is disappointing. But I'm not so worried. I spend the summer thinking of what to do next. Should I reapply next year? Should I try something else?

Second year at Ryerson goes well. I get good marks again and I take classes that will work as transfers to Michener and another program in which I am now interested. Nursing. I feel as though I am unsure again of what I want to be. People think Michener is a good option. People don't see me as a nurse. Deep down I am excited about the prospect of getting in to a nursing program. I also cannot truly see myself as a nurse......but nurses make o.k money, the job prospects are decent, and there are many areas of medicine you can work in.

This is the year that I attend the information session for the Midwifery Education Program at Ryerson.

This 2008 information session is great. It tells me a lot about the program. I can see that the working midwives give up a lot for their work but that they have a passion for it. The students are excited. They are also stressed and under pressure. They are on call. They cannot work another job. They have to be able to drive and have a car available.

I get so scared of the pressure of this program that I decide I am not going to apply. It is a lot to commit to. And more than that it is tough to get in. This program has 30 spots per location. You are only allowed to apply to one location. Ryerson would be my first choice of course and roughly 300+ apply for 30 spots.

So now I have applied to nursing at Ryerson and at York. I have applied to Michener again - but this time I have decided to apply to the Radiation Therapy stream. A health care career working with cancer patients that allows for 9 - 5 work hours. Sign me up!

My application is successful enough to grant me an interview at Michener again. I go.

And then........Part III.

Undergrad life - Part I

School has been a long process for me.

In high school I was the smart, quiet girl. When I applied for university, I was accepted everywhere I applied. I was not sure of where I wanted to be. I knew I would be in a science program. During high school I had wanted to be a pharmacist, a medical researcher, a geneticist, an optometrist. I had applied to Guelph, Western, Carleton, Brock, Laurier and Queens.

Sidenote: When I was 16, I decided I wanted to go to Ryerson for their now defunct Applied Pharmaceutical Chemistry program. I was told of the downtown campus. The scary campus in downtown Toronto. The big city campus. I changed my mind based on fear of the big city and ultimately I did not apply to a single school in the Toronto area.

Initially I had wanted to go to Guelph. For some reason I changed my mind and ended up at Brock for their Co-op Biotechnology program. I imagine it had something to do with the entrance scholarship.

Most people would assume that I would have graduated in four years and gone on with my life. However - this is not what happened.

My first year was awful. I didn't get good marks. I hated the city of St. Catharines. The campus was blah. My roommates - not great. I stayed for a second year at Brock. I ended up spending weeks at a time in Toronto with my boyfriend whom I had met near the end of first year through another friend.
So during second year I decided that I was done with Brock. I was miserable. I wasn't doing well at all and I was no longer sure of what I wanted to be.

I had planned to take a year off and go back to another school. I moved to Toronto.

Toronto. That big city that I was convinced many years ago that was too scary a place to go to school. Downtown in the scary big city where a girl from the suburbs won't make it?!

I took two years off from formal schooling.  I worked full time jobs and travelled. I took a photography course. I thought about what I wanted to do, spent hours researching schools and jobs and possibilities.
I decided I really wanted to work in health care.
And my boyfriend asked me something in a conversation one day - "When you have a baby, are you going to use a midwife?"
Huh? Midwives are a thing still? I had no idea. So I looked it up on the google.

And then what? I was 22.

Tomorrow: what happened next!